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Member-Guest Observations: The golf characters you may meet

By West Valentine

PARAMUS, NJ - AUGUST 23: Rory McIlroy of Northern Ireland walks on the first hole during the third round of The Barclays at The Ridgewood Country Club on August 23, 2014 in Paramus, New Jersey. (Photo by Darren Carroll/Getty Images)
PARAMUS, NJ - AUGUST 23: Rory McIlroy of Northern Ireland walks on the first hole during the third round of The Barclays at The Ridgewood Country Club on August 23, 2014 in Paramus, New Jersey. (Photo by Darren Carroll/Getty Images) /
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MERRITT ISLAND, FL – SEPTEMBER 07: Inmate trustees from the Brevard County Jail work to fill and load sandbags for residents as people in the area prepare ahead of Hurricane Irma on September 07, 2017 in Meritt Island, Florida.(Photo by Brian Blanco/Getty Images)
MERRITT ISLAND, FL – SEPTEMBER 07: Inmate trustees from the Brevard County Jail work to fill and load sandbags for residents as people in the area prepare ahead of Hurricane Irma on September 07, 2017 in Meritt Island, Florida.(Photo by Brian Blanco/Getty Images) /

Next on the Member-Guest List: The Sandbagger

We’ve talked about this character before. He has deftly managed his handicap all Spring for this event. You’ve seen him playing non-stop, but a quick look at the GHIN computer shows that he’s only posted two scores in the last five months.

The Sandbagger comes in two varieties, Class Clown and Deaf-mute.

The Class Clown Sandbagger wants to be everyone’s friend, making it uncomfortable for anyone to accuse him of sandbagging. He’s joking around with all the players, asking the fat guys if they’ve been working out, complaining that work has been busy and he hasn’t played much this year.

“I’m just excited to hang out with the boys,” he’ll muse. The Class Clown Sandbagger knows what he’s doing. He also knows that everyone else knows what he’s doing. This breed of Sandbagger is inexplicably proud of his inflated handicap.

The Deaf-mute Sandbagger skulks around the club like an opossum hoping to go unnoticed and playing dead if seen. He also knows you know he’s a Sandbagger but he’s a little ashamed – just not enough to actually carry a legitimate handicap.

He doesn’t even warm-up. He has a hitting net in his garage that he’s been pounding since 4:00 am. He doesn’t want to give anyone a chance to call him out on the range. He net-eagles the first hole of your match and says, “I’ve never even parred this hole!.”

Uh-huh.

His poor partner suddenly understands that he’s been invited to be a human shield for the weekend. He wasn’t chosen for his golfing prowess but rather his innate likability which prevents other members from exploding in rage on the opossum. The Deaf-mute Sandbagger wins most of his matches but always acts depressed to cloak his inner joy. His partner can’t wait to get back to the office to tell everyone that the weird vibe the guy puts off now makes total sense.

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