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Member-Guest Observations: The golf characters you may meet

By West Valentine

PARAMUS, NJ - AUGUST 23: Rory McIlroy of Northern Ireland walks on the first hole during the third round of The Barclays at The Ridgewood Country Club on August 23, 2014 in Paramus, New Jersey. (Photo by Darren Carroll/Getty Images)
PARAMUS, NJ - AUGUST 23: Rory McIlroy of Northern Ireland walks on the first hole during the third round of The Barclays at The Ridgewood Country Club on August 23, 2014 in Paramus, New Jersey. (Photo by Darren Carroll/Getty Images) /
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NEWPORT, WALES – AUGUST 29: Celebrity golfer Chris Evans and his team mate Catherine Zeta-Jones dance before teeing-off on the final day of The All-Star Cup Celebrity Golf tournament at the Celtic Manor Resort on August 29, 2005 Newport, Wales. The cup – the brainchild of Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly – sees 2 teams of 10 celebrities from Europe and the US taking part over the Roman Road course, venue of the 2010 Ryder Cup, with Colin Montgomerie and Mark O?Meara as the non-playing captains of the European and US teams respectively. The cup will be presented by Kirsty Gallacher and Jamie Theakston. (Photo by Matt Cardy/Getty Images)
NEWPORT, WALES – AUGUST 29: Celebrity golfer Chris Evans and his team mate Catherine Zeta-Jones dance before teeing-off on the final day of The All-Star Cup Celebrity Golf tournament at the Celtic Manor Resort on August 29, 2005 Newport, Wales. The cup – the brainchild of Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly – sees 2 teams of 10 celebrities from Europe and the US taking part over the Roman Road course, venue of the 2010 Ryder Cup, with Colin Montgomerie and Mark O?Meara as the non-playing captains of the European and US teams respectively. The cup will be presented by Kirsty Gallacher and Jamie Theakston. (Photo by Matt Cardy/Getty Images) /

Next on the Member-Guest List: The Non-Golfer

Golf looks easy on TV. Hit ball, walk, hit ball again. Sometimes, a member who has never played, or hasn’t played in 30 years, decides, “Hey, that looks like a fun event!”

Member-Guests are usually flighted so all the bad golfers are together. However, there are 219 other foursomes out on the course, too. (Who isn’t psyched to see “13G” as their starting position for the shotgun?)

At a large event like a Member-Guest, the Non-Golfer functions as a giant piece of bacon lodged in the artery of the golf course. You will eventually arrive at a tee box that has seven foursomes stacked up. There will be one drunk guy actually sleeping in his cart. Another team has actually conceded all remaining holes to go back to the pub.

You will hear things like, “Who brought the blind guy?” Or, “What’s equitable stroke control on a net 17?” Or even, “I’m gonna slash his tires, what color is his Range Rover?”

All are acceptable reactions to a player who now has two and a half open holes ahead of his group.

I beg of you, don’t be this guy. If you think the Member-Guest is a great way to make friends, go to the Wild Game and Wine Pairings Dinner instead. By serving as a jack-knifed semi full of Cheez-Whiz on the 6th hole, you have lost friends … forever.

Top 10: Favorite Golf Slang. dark. Next

Those and other strange animals can be found at your Member-Guest, too. And if you can’t identify each, well, you may need to go look in the mirror.

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