Our Christmas letter to the Santa Claus of the golf world

Christmas is just around the corner once again, and we’ve got a list of wishes we hope Santa can bring to life in the new year.

We all have things we’d like to have for Christmas, like a barrel of bitcoin, for instance. So, I thought I’d add my two bitcoin cents and put together a wish list for Golf Christmas and with luck maybe Golf Santa can make a couple of them happen.

So as the letters always begin, Dear Golf Santa, here’s what we’d like, and you are just the guy to get this done because, let’s face it, everybody likes you. And you have magic powers.

Keep drivers smaller than a yule log

Let’s get the USGA to shrink driver sizes down from 460cc. I’d really like to see them whittled to the size of an original Big Bertha, but that’s really a stretch, even for someone with your skill set. And take out the trampoline effect while you’re at it. I’m not saying drivers have to be made from persimmon, but maybe some of the exotic metals should be ruled out. They don’t help the majority of amateurs because our clubhead speeds aren’t fast enough to get anything out of them. I got that juicy info straight from Davis Love III a couple of years ago at Bay Hill, and if he says it works that way, hey, he was a long hitter with persimmon, I think he knows what he’s talking about. He said the pros are the only people who benefit from those exotic metals because they can hit it hard enough to get trampolining on the clubface. Hence, as Tiger likes to say, distance.

And no matter what guys like John Daly and Brooks Koepka and Dustin Johnson hit, you know it’s going to cover at least three football fields these days. And that brings me to my second item.

White Christmas, and a cure for the golf ball blues

Golf Santa, you need to do something about the golf ball. Yes, they make great tree ornaments, but whatever these creative manufacturers have been able to come up with in their layers made of xylonetaniumelastomericpolyethyl plus the X factor, it’s just letting guys hit too far with the 460cc drivers that have the trampoline faces. You can change the number of dimples (although in my experience, there’s nothing wrong with the properly placed dimple). You can change the dimple pattern, depth, whatever it is that makes them fly higher than reindeer. Honestly today’s golf balls are potentially stratospheric. Too high, too far, too distance-y.

(Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images) /

I know Titleist will be mad, but amateurs can’t hit today’s golf balls any farther than they couldn’t hit them 25 years ago, so to most of the people who play golf, it won’t matter. Everybody we know still loses them in the water, so the number of balls sold won’t go down. And the pros will still be able to hit them ridiculously far. But really, more than three football fields? You have to draw the line somewhere. I draw it at three football fields only because I’m generous.

Putting easier shouldn’t put us on the naughty list

Now we really have to discuss the anchored putting thing. There are grown men who have probably cried about this issue because the USGA and R&A ignored it for a quarter of a century and then decided to make a new rule just because Webb Simpson won the U.S. Open and Ernie Els won the British Open, both with long and anchored putters. (Taking nothing away from Adam Scott who won The Masters with a long and anchored putter.) I mean, golf is so easy a caveman can play it, right? Wrong. Golf is hard, so let’s take away a club that made it easier for grumpy old guys who pay for a lot club memberships and are the backbone of the sport. Let’s run them out of their clubs. Let’s ruin their golf lives because of two victories. Right. That makes perfect sense. You need to unring that bell.

Golf Santa, I know that one’s a big ask. Still I’m hopeful you can sprinkle some elf dust on the right people and get them nudged in a more sensible direction. I don’t care if a putter has five curlicues in the shaft and fuzzy dice hanging from it. If it makes putts, let us use it.

More LPGA and PGA together

Now one just for fun. Let’s see Lexi Thompson and Michelle Wei, if they want to, play in a men’s event again. They are two of the biggest names in terms of star power, and it can’t hurt them or the LPGA. When Annika Sorenstam played at Colonial, it was wall-to-wall fans. How can that be bad?

OK, that doesn’t ruffle your beard? Maybe it’s in a mixed event where there’s a common bond. Maybe it’s Jordan Spieth and Stacy Lewis (Texas), Wei and Brooks Koepka (long hitters), Tiger Woods and Cheyenne Woods (relatives), Thompson repeating the QBE ShootOut partnership with Tony Finau (finished 4^th), maybe it’s Lydia Ko and Adam Scott (neighboring countries), Brooke Henderson and Graham DeLaet (Canada), Martin and Gerina Piller (married). Other people will have pairings they’d like to see, so let’s pick a few names out of the hat and come up with something fun that benefits all parties.

Finding the range, checking it twice

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Let’s use them. They had them at the PMC Father/Son Challenge, not to replace caddies, just to verify distances. Even the announcers said it made play faster. It would bring getting yardages into the 21^st century. No stepping off yardages from bunker fronts or sprinklers. Of course, a situation like Jordan Spieth at the British Open, luckily Michael Greller taught math before he took up caddying and could work out the distance of the shot using the Pythagorean Theorem.

There’s no way to replace a player or caddie when discussing where the wind is coming from or whether it’s a hard or normal 7-iron. That’s all that feel stuff. Having a caddie for a player to discuss it with is important for all top golfers. Never mind the countless other things a caddie does to keep his guy ready to hit the next shot.

Shorter tees will make every round merry and bright

This might be one you can actually deliver on, Golf Santa. How about some shorter tees for more fun? For the longest time, people wanted long courses, as long as the top pros play. Now, we need to think about sizing down holes to the point where people can actually make bogey and have a chance at par on every hole. If that’s not possible, then we need you to come up with a new rating system – the Golf Santa Friendly Course – to tell golfers which courses to play and which ones to avoid. Sure, making a few new tees isn’t cheap, but Golf Santa, you have reindeer that fly. How hard can it be to grow grass in a new flat location? We’ll let you have markers in the shape of your hat or the likenesses of your favorite elves, whichever.

Next: Justin Thomas hungry for more in 2018

And the last wish.

We’d like to see Tiger Woods win again in 2018. Anywhere. We’re not picky, but the sooner the better.

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