Put Away Your Clubs, Winter is for the Golf Channel

Feeling irritable lately? It’s not your family, it’s golf withdrawal. Don’t worry, the Golf Channel has you covered.

Forget about the holidays. Forget about football, both professional and collegiate (the PGA Tour does). Forget about those mandatory holiday parties, and those stylish vacations in Vail. Forget that you wish you were in Cabo, Hawaii, or south Florida sun-bathing on a beach after a good day at the course. And forget that your addiction to golf has maybe left unequivocally alone as the weather turns colder and colder. It’s winter, and you can forget about all that other garbage because winter, is for the Golf Channel.

Maybe there’s snow on the ground. Maybe your local club is closed for renovation. Maybe your local club isn’t closed but it’s just too damn cold outside. That’s okay. No one is judging your commitment. Everyone needs a break from playing golf. Tiger Woods knows it, why shouldn’t you?

The fix, however, lingers. The Golf Channel has you covered. Resting peacefully somewhere between a good book with a glass of wine and a postcoital cigarette is primetime golf. Watching live golf at night is a message from god that says, yes, I do exist. You’ve successfully braved the elements and navigated a challenging day at work while daydreaming about those long-forgotten afternoon summer nines with your buddies. Your reward? The President’s Cup airs at 7 (EST)!

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Forget that your kid wants to go sledding after school, the Sentry Tournament of Champions comes on a 5!…P.M.? Yes, p.m. This isn’t Europe. Contrasting the view outside your window are scenes of the deep blue pacific ocean, majestic shots of Hawaii’s shield volcanos, and fairways so wide that Boeing should consider them as emergency runways (you know, just in case).

Unencumbered by work or Saturday morning trips to the farmer’s market, primetime golf is here for you in your hour of need. And the Golf Channel is bringing it all winter long.

Primetime golf isn’t the only heaven on Earth the Golf Channel broadcasts during winter, however. Wait…do you hear something? What’s that sound? Jim Nantz is that you? Hello friends. It’s eight p.m. on a Tuesday and Tiger Woods is exactly one-hour away from winning the 2019 Masters. Koepka finds the water on 12. Finau finds the water on 12. Molinari finds the water on 12. Not Tiger. Cue the celebration.

After your done reliving the seminal moment of the decade that was, don’t change that channel because there are more Masters Highlights! And this time it’s Tiger in 2005! Take it away Verne Lunquist: “Well…here it comes…Oh my goodness…Oh! Wow!… In your life have you seen anything like that?!” No, Verne. I actually haven’t. That handshake was horrendous.

Maybe you’re a little too amped up after those Masters Highlights (Chris DeMarco really blew it in ’05 right?) Wouldn’t you like to know what Brooks Koepka’s favorite food is? Or that Fred Couples traded caddies in the middle of his round? Or that Xander Shauffele really looks like a high school choir boy who’s only joined to talk to girls?

Settle in and unwind with the soothing and scraggly Scottish voice of David Feherty, bringing humanity and humor to the Bryson DeChambeau +900 line.

While we’re at it, let’s not forget to mention the brilliant instructors the Golf Channel gives us. Yes, Cameron McCormack, my take-back is a mess, please help. And yes, Martin Hall, I would like to know how my yoga matt can make me more accurate off the tee.

And yes, Chris Cuomo, I would like to hit my long-irons more solid. And to the many other instructors, including Vince Cellini, whose job it is to watch Tom Watson and other great players hit pitch shots. Never mind that one out of thousand of these tips actually work, we appreciate the effort.

Maybe you’re reminiscent of a time when just making a cut, wasn’t making a living. Maybe you also want to see video of the Bahamas. Good morning ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain, Arnold Palmer, speaking. We’ll be in the Bahamas in about a half-hour where I’ll face off against Julius Boros as part of Shell’s Wonderful World of Golf.

The Bahamas not your style? Here are Seve Ballesteros and Paul Azinger dueling at the Old Course at St. Andrews in 1995! Equal parts Saturday morning money-game and Parts Unknown, Shell’s Wonderful World of Golf takes us to the most exotic places on Earth with the greatest players to ever strike a golf ball as our companions.

I regret to inform you that there will be commercial breaks (or a blank screen for our streaming friends) in between this glorious stretch of television. Use this time wisely. Go to the bathroom. Refill your beverage. Eat a snack. Roll a few putts. Hit a few chips (just don’t break anything). If only to prevent yourself from waking up one morning to find that you now own a Square Strike wedge, a tee-less driver, and a putter that stands up by itself.

Next. Tiger Woods: His Ten Best Moments from this Decade. dark

It’s winter. I know you want to play. I know that finding clothing that is the perfect balance between warm and mobile is a tough putt to sink, no matter what the advertisement says. When you inevitably find yourself alone on your couch, wearing sweatpants and an ugly yet cozy sweater your in-laws gave you, with the lights dimmed, snow falling against your window, holding a hot cup of tea spiked with whiskey; just know you’ll always have a friend: the Golf Channel.

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